Of Mander and Events of FWA
The actual full truth, since Mander has a very blurred perception of it:
in 2010 at rcfm I met quin for the first time. it was in person, not online. we retained a friendship from that con for about 6 months or a year. Afterward he got married, and we didn’t speak for 3 to 4 years. in 2013, december 7th [yeah I remember because it was days before my birthday] I got a favorite from thewhiteotter, and it had been years and i’d buried him in my past like other things from eons ago. well, long story short he was divorced and I was with bug, we started talking again, it was nice to catch up. I didnt think he had any interest in me but that changed when he pretty much bluntly told me, that he’d never forgotten/stopped having feelings for me.
That put me in a bit of a situation because id moved in with a hoarder temporarily while waiting for bug to get his ducks in a row for us to get a place together. I already knew my feelings for quin were unresolved but I was trapped between a rock and a hard place at the time. I made a decision I still regret but I thought was the right one at the time. Rather than trying to juggle a poly relationship between the two of them, I stuck with bug. Bug knew I was poly from the moment we met, all was out on the table, all was open for everyone to see. there have never been secrets on my end about myself. Ive always prided myself on my morals in polyamory, and the reason I refuse to involve myself in poly relationships 9/10 times are because they dont stand up to my strict moral compass.
in february of 2014 me and bug briefly broke up due to him stressing me unbelievably. id been with the hoarder since december and I wanted to get out of that disgusting, filthy house. during that time me and quin hit it off, hard. he bought me flowers for valentines day, and spent hours with me talking to me, calming me down, being there for me, etc. Eventually bug decided after 2 weeks to fix shit between us, and in the end of june we finally got a place together. I had backed away from quin because he’d hooked up with Mander, and from the very moment he did I smelled trouble with her. We still spoke, we still IM'ed occasionally, but mainly he’d message and I wouldn’t respond. I did it to keep my own feelings safe, and my own mind from being fucked up. Unfortunetly before anthrocon of 2015 I broke down and told quin my feelings. I’d spent a week talking to bug about it, long before I even mentioned my feelings to Quin himself. I wanted to -try- poly with him, and was willing to work around his super passive aggressive girlfriend.
So after speaking to bug about it, and him knowing what I am and knowing nothing will ever change that, gave me permission to pursue it. So fast forward to the night at the gym about a month before AC2015 l finally, finally, finally told Quin what he’d wanted to hear from me since 2013. Mind you he’d been dating mander casually for the entire time. And during the entire time, we had spoken, we’d been close, but it was -me- the entire time, who held back. Well, a week after I confessed the shit i’d kept bottled since december 2013, he moved in with her. I cut basically all contact with him at that point. I had to find out they were moving in together from her twitter. I had kept up with it here and there because for the entire duration of their relationship, she was passively aggressively trying to jab at me, and until the very end of things, Id ignored it.
We didn’t speak very much at all from anthrocon 2015 until a couple months ago. I mentioned offhandedly that I was going to FWA and he said he was going too. That didn’t repair any of the previous years damage, but I figured in person I could get shit off my chest and finally get closure I’d wanted for 5 years [at that point] so I said sure, let’s hang out. Maybe we’ll go to the aquarium if the con’s a bust. He agreed, so we made it a thing. During the ENTIRE DURATION OF THESE PLANS I asked dozens of times about Mander. I must have drove Quin insane with questions. He told me a few months before FWA he’d spoken to her about his feelings for me, that he was tired of hiding them. He said he’d mentioned a few weeks before the con to reiterate it to her. He swore up and down he got permission and I FULLY believe him. It’s disgusting and repulsive someone would give their polyamorous significant other permission to be with someone else they love, and then revoke it IN THEIR MIND and NOT speak to their partner at all, and instead be passive aggressive as fuck about it.
The moment I found him in FWA I gave him a huge hug, we wandered about, totally normal. Did silly shit, laughed at bad suits, the usual for us. Oh, and talked about racing and cars. We headed to my room to hang out for a while, enjoyed the view of downtown, talked with coonix and sleepingdog [my two roomies] and just enjoyed each others company. We held hands, cuddled a bit, not much else since there were PEOPLE around and we aren’t children.
friday night was nice, we hung out a bit, I dont remember all of what we did. I remember I kept asking in person if it was ok that he even hang out with me. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “I made sure it was fine”
Saturday we spent a good chunk of the day together, went to the aquarium, and it was so nice. Wont deny for a moment it was amazing being able to FINALLY be near someone I had missed since 2010. Wont deny we kissed. Wont deny we held hands and nuzzled and cuddled while watching the dolphin show. Wont deny any of it. Just like I wont deny the mark I left on him. That was me, all me. You’re damn right. And yet anytime we got close, I would ask if it was ok, if any of it was ok. If there was a single thing we couldn’t do– which for the record, since we were with my FRIENDS nearly the entire time, we did NOT do anything more than kiss/hold hands.
As for “catching us” that never happened. There was no “catching” there was no sneaking. In fact, several times I walked right by Mander and asked Quin if he wanted me to introduce myself. I was totes down to say hello and be friendly. He said it wasn’t necessary so I didn’t. Saturday night I was very worried about him, we were supposed to spend the night drinking and wandering around but he’d passed out and I couldn’t reach him. I was extremely worried something had happened, so I was up past 4am. When he finally woke up then, he came to my room and we stood outside of it. I was shaking because I was so distraught, 6hours no contact and I figured all the worst shit had happened. He recieved a text during this that said “where the fuck are you” from Mander. On account of being with me, who was having a bit of a breakdown, he didn’t answer. He held me, I bawled like a child, and clung onto him. Eventually I calmed the fuck down and told him I was leaving later that morning because Coony was driving and Coony was throwing a bit of a hissy fit about wanting to leave right at noon.
He looked me in the eyes and we had a moment. A serious fucking moment. because Id said “Now everything will go back to normal” and I meant it, and I hated it. but I was fully prepared to let shit return to what it was. To step the fuck out of his life again. He told me he couldn’t lose me again.
Afterward, a few days after FWA the shit was already hitting the fan. He didn’t tell me, he wanted to spare me. I was already pulling back. I was depressed, I wasn’t eating. I felt sick to my stomach. It was miserable.
Then he told me they broke up, and I felt even sicker. He told me it wasn’t due to me, it was because she wanted to start going full on FTM, hormone replacement therapy. That she would change too much and wouldnt even be the same person anymore. He said it had nothing to do with me. I tried to believe that but deep down I blamed myself because I in fact DO have morals.
I was heartbroken, but I was even more distressed for him. I didn’t want him alone. I knew I could handle it, but I didnt want him to deal with what I was feeling. I wanted them to get back together. At no point did I ever say I was happy they broke up. And I have the fucking chat logs to prove that shit if it comes down to it.
They got back together, and I was silent about it. He wanted to know how I felt, if I felt better that theyd gotten back together. I was honest, I said no. I didn’t give my opinion. I adamantly refused. I hadnt eaten in a week at this point, and was almost always dry heaving from the stress of everything. When he finally weasled it out of me I told him I couldn’t possibly be happy in either scenario, and that I wanted him to be happy. He said again, he couldn’t lose me. I said I wouldn’t sta and watch this. I told him I was going to go, because I simply couldn’t bear watching them. I never once thought they were a good match, but I’d kept it to myself because I believed she could make him happy. When you know someoine for 6 years as I have now known Quin, you have to make a choice. To either let them be happy, or interfere. I have always chosen the path that involves me removing myself from the equation.
This time it was different, because he refused to let me remove myself. And Mander, now livid with me, dragged me into their bullshit further. They broke up again, and after a few more days of despair and stress I decided to just stop worrying and caring. I was physically and mentally exhausted by the events of the past 3 weeks. I was shocked when he suddenly moved out, and I was disgusted when she privatized her twitter and began to spout nothing but lies. The fact that I remember WORD. FOR. WORD. what happened, the fact I can tell you the exact shade of his eyes and his expression when we spoke at FWA about Mander, you know neither of us did anything IMMORAL like this girl is claiming.
The things I admit to, and own up to are listed below
-Not dating him when he asked 2 years ago
-having feelings for quin for 6 years and repressing them to make sure ‘someone else’ didnt get their panties in a knot
-leaving bitemarks on him
-holding hands and cuddling
-having a fucking awesome time at the aquarium and the conI decided to visit him, after she left. I wanted him to smile again. It hurt me that he hurt so bad and was trying to hide it and be strong. He was terrified of losing not just one, but two people he cared for. I decided NOT to run this time, and came face to face to contront him and my feelings. and that’s where we are.
my feelings were always irrelevant to me because I am used to closing off and removing people from my life. I never forced myself on quin, i never forced anything. how could I have if I wasnt even in the fucking picture? The problem here was never me. the problem was a girl who wanted everything for herself. she wanted to have a poly relationsdhip with another chick, and quin, but not share him with someone who he actually genuinely -loved-.
the problem here is that for 2 years, she never could accept the truth that was in her face the entire time. that her boyfriend had feelings he couldnt hide, feelings that ate away at him since long before she was in the picture. feelings he tried to get over and push away but couldnt.
as for the bullshit that she was forced out, let me clarify since I actually know the entire fucking story.
Mander, of her own volition, got a hotel without speaking to quin about it, and packed her things and her cats on her own. She vanished without a word, until she was gone. The only contact she had with him was that she needed his car. She did not speak to him face to face like an adult, and has refused to do so since. He told her he wouldn’t kick her out, that he isn’t a monster. She was the one who left HIS big ass 3 bedroom house ON HER OWN. She was never forced to do anything. She was never forced to date another girl while dating quin, she was never forced to leave. When she left with her friends, she left the keys to his car not in a good place inside the car, she left them in the front grill where anyone could have found them. IT was ME that told him on the phone to ask his boss to take off from work early to go get his car because he was SO WORRIED that it would be stolen due to her being a fucking idiot.
As for her other bullshit, ill run down the list.
Her being trans: a new development. when they started dating she was very much so a female. she was dating a HETERO GUY and started wanting to transition. that drama has nothing to do with me whatsoever. You cant force anyoen to accept you if what you’re doing to yourself is something your S.O DID NOT sign up for.Being ‘forced’ to date another girl: that’s not even possible and you know it. You were blushy, and embarassed and fucking twitterpatted. The drawings were ALL over your twitter. How fucking DARE you say anyone 'forced’ you into that. It was entirely your choice, and Quin didn’t even benefit from you doing that. He just wanted you to pursue something that made you happy, you fucking shithead.
My refusing to be in your dynamic: Yeah that’s right. I outright refused. Polyamorous relationships do not work when one person is a shitheel possessive, jealous fuck. I refused to involve myself with him because of his involvemtn with YOU.
Being 'forced’ to agree with Quin on him and me: what? Are you honestly trying to fucking say you were somehow forced against your will to accept something? Last I checked you are a big girl and put your MLP panties on one foot at a fucking time like the rest of us. No one forced you to do anything. You never outright said a goddamn word, and that’s on you. If you didn’t specifically say “I dont want you two together. I dont want you tocuhing her” then what the fuck do you think is going to happen? And for the record, I’ve known him a lot, LOT longer than you. When we met in 2010 he was dating someone, and he didn’t lay a finger on me. Not a goddamn hand on me that was lewd, in any way whatsoever. He never would do something like that. In fact at that con he saved my ass when I was wicked drunk, and kept me from being molested.
The wanting to date us both bomb: Not mentioned to me, and when it finally was brought up, as always, I refused. I know it hurt him, I could hear it in his voice, but he UNDERSTOOD why I refused. You were being an irrational, insane female at the time and just like before, I wasn’t about to go anywhere near your craziness.
“Our relationship ended due to internal problems?” you say your relationship was fine? I say I had to listen to him saying he missed me, for 2 years. I had to listen to him say he loved two women. I say I had to deal with some crazy bitch trying to possess a guy who was 'a close friend’ and nothing more. And sometimes we got sappy, but god fucking damnit, I WAS HERE BEFORE YOU. If you thought for some reason that your POLY BOYFRIEND WOULD CHANGE JUST FOR YOU, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS FUCKING DELUSIONAL.
Forced to leave your job: you werent forced. you ran away. you fled like a goddamn immature child, and proceeded to shit talk on the internet like all children do.
